


roses red, lillies white

by magnoliafilms



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Blood, Getting Together, Hanahaki Disease, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, Kisses, M/M, Mentions of Death, Mutual Pining, Not Beta Read, Secret Admirer
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-02
Updated: 2020-10-02
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:15:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26761213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/magnoliafilms/pseuds/magnoliafilms
Summary: So maybe Felix is in love with the wrong person. And maybe this time it'll kill him. It's just something he's getting used to. Between navigating High School and friendships, maybe this is something he can finally overcome.Maybe Jeongin is in love with the wrong person. And maybe this time it'll kill him.
Relationships: Lee Felix/Yang Jeongin | I.N
Comments: 1
Kudos: 13





	roses red, lillies white

**Author's Note:**

> Written for SKZ Ship Bingo. (Tags: Secret Admirer, High School, Mutual Pining, Hanahaki, Kisses, Hurt/Comfort)  
> I'm gonna be honest, this will likely get really angsty, and there's a lot of mentions of blood, so be careful.  
> I kinda said I wasn't ever gonna write Hanahaki (Just didn't think I'd ever do very well) But I got it on a square for my bingo card, and here we are. (i apologise if it's absolute sh*t).

The cafeteria is strangely empty. It’s the first thing Felix notices when he walks in at lunch on Wednesday. Though he doesn’t give it much thought as it only means there is more chance for a table that will accommodate both him and his friends. 

He spots Jisung first, animatedly telling some story while waving his sandwich all over the place. When a piece of lettuce flies free and nearly smacks Minho in the face, he puts it down with an apologetic smile. 

Changbin – luckily sitting to Minho’s left and safely out of Jisung’s firing range – looks up and waves when he notices Felix hovering by the door. 

Felix begins to make his way over to their table, but is stopped just a few metres away by the sound of laughter. It’s a voice he practically has memorised, and he feels his heart lurch. He tries for an unsuccessful breath, but instead crumples into a coughing fit. 

His lungs burn, and the room begins to spin. There are petals in his hands. Bright red and sticky with blood. His knees give out. He is on the ground. He can’t seem to stop this awful awful coughing. 

There are people around him. Changbin rests a hand on his shoulder, rubbing comforting circles into his back. “It’s going to be ok, Felix,” he says, and his voice sounds so loud, “You just have to get it all out.”

It’s not as comforting as Changbin thinks it is.  _ They don’t get it _ , Felix thinks to himself as more petals force their way out of his throat.  _ None of them do _ .

This has happened before. This same sequence of events. The suffocating feeling of copious amounts of rose petals rising up his throat and taking residence in the vital parts of his windpipe. He can’t breathe. God knows he’s trying. 

There’s a crowd gathered now, and blood on his hands, dripping down his mouth. And so many petals. Bright and ruby red, like the blood that’s staining his shirt. Scattered around him like remnants of a crime scene. 

It’s pathetic really. This abysmal excuse for a disease. The stupid thing that now frantically beats in his chest, practically begging for his life. _ It is your fault, _ Felix thinks as he heaves out another wracking cough,  _ You are to blame _ .

He is there. Standing with the rest of them. Face as shocked as anyone else in the crowd.  _ Lovely of you to notice me now _ , Felix thinks bitterly as one of the school nurses arrives. 

She clears the room, Minho and Jisung shoo the stragglers out the open doors, threatening anyone who tries to stay. Felix catches glimpses of his sympathetic face as he goes. Beautiful as always.

“Felix? Felix, can you hear me?” Changbin is speaking to him. But his voice is muffled and he sounds as though he’s underwater. 

The nurse is saying something and as his eyes begin to close slowly, he can hear the urgent tone in his voice.

He catches snippets of what she’s saying to Changbin, and it sounds entirely too important for him to focus on. He instead tries his best to pull air into his crowded lungs. They feel too full, and every breath seems to only provoke another coughing fit.

_ Maybe this is how I’ll die _ , he thinks. Cold and broken on the floor of the school cafeteria. Blood on his hands, on his mouth, on his shirt. Flowers, shredded and torn petals tossed around him carelessly like some morbid kind of decoration. 

Everything seems dull, and he can feel the petals between his teeth as he bites down on his tongue. The room goes entirely dark. He can sense strong hands under his arms, pulling him up and lifting him upwards. 

Something is placed over his nose and mouth, and secured behind his head. Another burning cough tears through his lungs, but it seems as though this one dislodges some of the worst blockage. 

Its throat clears a little, and he can breathe again. He sucks in air hungrily, and feels the way his hands shake terribly by his sides. He’s exhausted, and though breathing is a little easier now, it’s still painfully difficult. 

After a moment, he shuts his eyes, squeezing them shut. And with a final breath of his own volition, he falls asleep.

❀

Felix wakes up in a hospital bed. It’s not the first time it’s ever happened, but it’s still as disorientating as ever. 

The tacky fabric of the bed sheets sticks to his sweaty skin and he feels out of place. The blood is gone, but he can still feel it’s presence under his fingernails. He feels unclean, decidedly not suited for a hospital environment. 

His usual doctor is standing beside his bed. He’s pouring over Felix’s file and absentmindedly running a hand through his hair. It’s like he knows when Felix wakes up, and spins around with a smile. 

“Good Morning, Mr Lee!” He says, and he’s almost too bright for Felix to handle. “Always lovely to see you.”

Felix only offers a grunt in response. He’s never liked the hospital, and it’s starting to seem as though he’s spent an awful lot of time here in the past few weeks alone. 

“Mr Lee,” Doctor Tuan says with a smile, “I’m starting to think that you just love seeing me.”

He flips a page in Felix’s file and skims a finger over whatever is printed there. Felix just snorts at the accusation. 

“You’ve been in for similar incidents exactly four different times in  _ two weeks _ .” The doctor says, he laughs to himself, but it’s not humorous, only pitiful. “You know Felix, we  _ can _ help you.”

Felix fixes the man with a look, “And you know better than anyone,  _ doctor _ . That’s not going to happen.”

Doctor Tuan sighs, “That’s what I’d thought you’d say. But it’s gotten to the point now, Felix, that if we don’t take immediate action in some form or another, we’re legally obligated to put you in an institution.”

Felix winced.  _ An Institution.  _ Only the lovesick fools and the crazies went to those.

“Precisely,” The doctor said, gesturing at Felix's reaction, “That’s why we’ve brought a specialist in to speak with you.”

There’s a knock on the door. 

“Ah! That will be her now!” Doctor Tuan calls out to tell her to come in and Felix looks up as a young woman opens the door. 

Doctor Tuan hands her Felix’s file, and Felix almost feels defensive. He wants to reach out and snatch it back from her, tell Doctor Tuan to take better care of his things. 

But he doesn’t. Instead he takes her hand when it’s offered and tries to behave pleasantly.

“Glad to see you’re awake! You weren’t in such a good state when you came in to see us.” She says, Felix instinctively frowns at her. He doesn’t like talking about this sort of thing often. 

Doctor Tuan laughs, “I think that’ll be all from me, I’ll let you two get acquainted.” He steps towards the door, and Felix suddenly feels afraid. “Just give me a call if you need anything Doctor.” He offers Felix one final glance and steps out the door. 

The young woman seems unbothered. “Silly me, I haven’t even introduced myself.” she says when the door shuts with a final sounding click, “I’m Doctor Hirai, though most of the patients just call me Momo.” Felix’s frown deepens, it almost sounds like she’s trying to imply that he might be here for a while. 

“Why are you here?” Felix asks firmly. He knows he missed a test after his latest episode in the cafeteria, and if he’s going to have to take it when he returns to school, he’d rather have at least studied a little beforehand.

“Ah, Of course. That  _ is _ what I’m here to talk to you about,” Doctor Hirai says slowly, her eyes flick down to his file and she puts on a sympathetic expression that makes Felix want to toss himself out the nearest window. 

“I assume you’re aware that you have Hanahaki Disease?” She asks, and Felix does his best not to roll his eyes.

“Oh really,” He says instead, and rather sarcastically he adds, “I hadn’t noticed, is  _ that _ what the blood and petals are?”

Doctor Hirai begins to look increasingly impatient, “Mr Lee, I’m sure you know that Hanahaki is a very serious disease, and if left untreated it  _ can _ be fatal.”

“I’m well aware Doctor,” Felix says evenly, matching her concerned expression with an unbothered one. “You can’t fix me.”

“Felix, I assure you, everyone can be saved. It’s only a matter of a simple procedure, and the roots can be removed. It’s as easy as–” 

Felix cuts her off sharply, “And I assure  _ you _ that I cannot be fixed. There’s no way in the world I could afford the surgery. And my parents sure as hell can’t.” 

“But Felix, I’m sure there must be some way you could find the funds. I mean, this really is a matter of life or death–”

Felix interrupts again, his eyes are steely and cold, “I said  _ no _ , Doctor. And I’d really appreciate it if you would let me go now. I have a test to sit.”

Doctor Hirai clamps her mouth firmly shut. She stands for a moment, staring at Felix as though she’s searching for something. Felix only glares back, unwavering in his stance. He can feel the flowers in his lungs, searching for air, but remaining – for the most part – relatively still.

“I suppose it is the patient’s choice in the end. Though we are going to require you to see a specialist counsellor. Someone who can help you with non-medical methods.” She says at last.

Felix shrugs, the cost of a counsellor would likely be less than that of the entire damn surgery. 

The Doctor scribbles something hastily onto a form located somewhere within the file and tears off a section at the bottom. “This is a referral to a recommended therapist, it is expected that you complete a full session before properly returning to your regular school classes.” 

She hands over the paper docket, and Felix skims through it as she speaks, “We’ve informed your school of your condition, so you should have no issues receiving immediate help should you need it.”

Felix huffs, and half scrunches the piece of paper in his fist. “When am I supposed to go and see this guy?”

Doctor Hirai forces out a smile, “If you were intending to return to your classes by tomorrow, it would be my recommendation that you try to make room for a session this afternoon. Mr Park has been informed of your predicament and has cleared his schedule for this afternoon, should you decide to visit his office.”

Felix glances at the sheet of paper again, “Sure, I guess that works.” Doctor Hirai almost looks like she’s doing her best not to throttle him on the spot. “How do I get out of here?”

She sighs, “Alright Felix, come with me.” And turns to lead the way out of the room. 

❀

Felix finds himself standing outside a rather decrepit building.  _ Really?  _ He thinks to himself. And in all honesty, he’s a little disappointed. The paint is cracking in a few places, and Felix thinks he can see a cracked window on one of the upper floors. 

He pushes the front door open quietly, and is unsurprised to find a mostly empty room of waiting patients. The inside is just as impressive as the outside, and is painted a disgustingly irritating shade of khaki green.

He makes his way up to the service desk at the far end of the room. The woman that sits at the counter seems bored and unwelcoming, “How can I help you?” She says lazily, and Felix wonders if this is really a good idea.

He hands over his note from Doctor Hirai and stands patiently, observing the framed prints that hang on the wall beside the desk.

“Oh, you’re the one here for Jin.” She says eventually. The woman, who’s glittery name tag reads  _ Nayeon _ , rests his form against the screen of her computer as she picks up the phone on her desk.

“I’ll give him a call for you, and he’ll be down in a minute.” Nayeon holds the phone to her ear and waits for a moment. 

“Jinnie-Baby, I’ve got someone down here calling up for you.” She twirls a coil of her hair in one hand, and  _ God,  _ Felix didn’t actually think receptionists did  _ that.  _ He’d just thought it was something they did in the movies.

Nayeon puts the phone down with a click, and scribbles a note on a piece of scrap paper. She takes Felix’s note and hands it back over. “Just take a seat, he’ll call out for you.” She says quickly, before picking up her personal phone and clicking away at the screen. 

Felix moves over to an area of the waiting room that’s not particularly crowded, and takes a seat on one of the slightly less mouldy looking chairs. He contemplates taking out his phone, but he doesn’t really want to be seen as rude on his first meeting with this guy. 

So instead he sits, patiently waiting, and folding and refolding his slip of paper.

Finally, the lift doors slide open. Inside stands a well dressed man. He steps out and smiles at the waiting room. “Felix Lee?” He asks 

Felix stares at him for almost a second too long before realising that Felix Lee, means  _ him. _

He stands rather awkwardly, and steps forwards, holding out his slip of paper. The man grins at him and takes the form. He scans it quickly and then offers it back to Felix. He extends a hand, and Felix takes it in his own to shake, “Lovely to meet you Felix,” the man says and then tips his head towards the lift, “Shall we?” 

Felix has no choice but to follow as the man begins to move towards the elevator. Once they’re inside and the lift is moving upwards, the man turns to face Felix once more.

“I’m Doctor Jinyoung Park, but most folks around here just call me Jin.” 

Felix is reminded of Doctor Hirai, and it takes everything in him to stop himself from screaming at the man. Instead, he offers him nothing more than the slightest tilt of his head.

Felix stares at the carpeted walls of the elevator. It smells musty inside, the entire building does. But confined inside the elevator, it feels as though the true age and nature of the building has all been compressed into the smallest space possible.

He clenches a hand tightly around the steel rail that runs along the walls of the lift. He sucks in a thin breath and closes his eyes. He’s never much liked elevators, and this whole experience isn’t as wonderfully pleasant as it could have been.

“Are you alright, Felix?” Jinyoung asks, he’s watching Felix now with concerned eyes and Felix is again reminded of Doctor Hirai.

“Just fine.” He spits out through gritted teeth. 

Jinyoung tries again, “Is there any way I can help? Or make you more comfortable?”

“Should have taken the stairs,” Is all Felix can find the energy to say. He keeps his eyes shut, and wills the Doctor to drop the subject.

The lift finally arrives at their floor, and Felix thinks that they’re far too high off the ground. Though he realises there’s not much he can do now.

Jinyoung takes a seat behind his desk and gestures at the plastic chair that sits in front of it, indicating for Felix to sit down. 

When Felix is settled, Jinyoung removes a notebook and blue ballpoint pen from one of the drawers in his desk. He smiles at Felix, and for some reason, Felix finds it almost comforting. 

“I assume we are both aware of why you’re here to see me.” Jinyoung starts, “And I want to assure you that if the discussion of the nature of your disease ever makes you uncomfortable, just let me know and we can change the subject immediately.”

Felix nods, looking at the variety of knick knacks and trinkets scattered over one side of the desk. 

Jinyoung continues, “And before we do start these sessions regularly, I want you to know that everything you say in this room is confidential. The only reason anything will ever be mentioned to someone outside of these sessions is if I think it would help your situation and  _ we _ have discussed it beforehand.” He pauses, “Is that alright with you, Felix?”

“Are these going to become regular sessions?” Felix asks, his hands are twisting together in his lap. He doesn’t feel…  _ Nervous _ . Just on edge, anticipant. 

Jinyoung offers him a smile, “That is the idea, Felix. The only other option is to have the surgery, but when a case is as bad as yours, we – the district trust – are legally required to intervene and do everything we can.”

Felix frowns, but when he thinks about it, this really is a better solution than the removal procedure.

“In any case, I would like you to come see me at least once a week, just so we can check in on how you’re doing. Would that be possible for you?” Jinyoung asks.

“I guess.” Felix says simply, picking at a loose thread that hangs from his chair. 

“Excellent,” Jinyoung says pleasantly, “That’s all the admin stuff, I’ll address anything else as it comes up.”

He shuffles a few of the pages on his desk, “Shall we talk about you now?”

Felix stares at him. He’s tempted to walk back down the greasy looking hallway and face the elevator by himself. “No?” He says almost pleadingly. 

Jinyong laughs at him. “Alright then. How about we talk about this mystery interest of yours?”

Felix winces and coughs into his hand. There’s a single petal clutched in his palm when he pulls it away, and the blood smeared underneath is red against his shaking hands. Jinyoung hands him a wet wipe and when Felix has cleaned himself up, offers the trash bin that sits beside his desk.

“It’s that bad?” Jinyoung says curiously, “She must really be something if just thinking about her causes that kind of reaction.”

“It’s not a  _ she _ ,” Felix whispers.

“Ah, of course,” Jinyoung says quickly, “Forgive me for assuming.”

“It’s fine.” Felix says firmly without meeting his eyes. His throat feels rough, prickly with petals that want to fly free. 

“Why don’t you tell me about him?” Jinyoung picks up the rubbish bin and hands it over, “Use this if you need to, I just think it’s important that we start trying to discern why your reaction to him is so strong.”

Felix spits into the bin. “We met four years ago.” It’s almost painful to talk about, but in a way, it feels freeing. He’s been avoiding the topic ever since he first started coughing up masticated bits and pieces of flowers.

Jinyoung smiles encouragingly, and moves his hand as though imploring Felix to continue. 

“He was in my general science class, and we got paired up for a chemistry project. I was, honestly, expecting him to do none of the work and then try to take all the credit right at the end.” Felix smiles at the memory, before spitting into the bin, he drags a hand over his mouth, wiping leftover blood away, “But he didn’t. From the beginning he was interested, and genuinely cared about doing the project well.”

“We never really operated in the same social circles. I always hung out with the nerdy science kids, and he was  _ popular _ .” Felix laughs at himself, “But he was beautiful. Even then I could admit that. But we were  _ thirteen _ , for god's sake. So, we finished the project and went our separate ways. But I think even then it was too late for me.”

“What do you mean by that?” Jinyoung asks, scribbling something onto his notepad.

Felix sighs, “At thirteen, I couldn’t even stomach the fact that I would end up dating a girl, I don’t  _ think _ I knew what that meant at the time. At fourteen, I woke up with a mouth full of blood red roses. My parents had no idea what was happening. God, they’d never even heard of Hanahaki. The doctors told them I had to have the surgery, but it was nothing they could have afforded. These days they can barely pay for rent.”

Jinyoung hums, but does not interrupt. He simply adds yet another note to his pad.

“At first I couldn’t work out who it was. None of the girls were particularly attractive, but the doctors said it had to be someone at school. Something about the rate of growth meaning it was someone I saw regularly.” Felix pulls in another shaky breath, “I spent nearly a year just not knowing. Leaving classes early to go spit into the toilet and coughing into my hands when I couldn’t make it in time.”

“So what changed? How did you know it was him?” Jinyoung asks, the first he’s said in a while.

“We got paired up again. Speech on climate change in front of the class.” Felix says quietly, “He must have known, I couldn’t spend more than three minutes around him without trying to cough up both my lungs. The actual presentation was a nightmare. I ended up on the floor… It was one of my  _ finer _ moments.”

“And that was when you knew?” Jinyoung asks again.

Felix coughs into the bin, there's a wet sound as multiple petals hit the bottom, “It couldn’t have been anyone else.”

“I see.” Jinyoung makes another note on his paper. “And how do you feel about that?” 

“I suppose it’s just the way life is, right? You don’t choose who you fall in love with.”

“That’s interesting that you think that way, Felix,” Jinyoung says rather cryptically. His pen scratches against the paper one last time. “Though you aren’t the first patient to come through my office like yourself.”

Felix raises an eyebrow, “What’s that supposed to mean, sir?”

“Not much,” Jinyoung admits, “But I believe that the work that we do here might make some form of difference.” He pulls in a breath, squinting his eyes at his notes. “I think it would be in your best interest to separate yourself from this boy.”

Felix narrows his eyes, but Jinyoung continues, “Even just for a week. I don’t mean completely removing yourself, I simply mean, perhaps taking lunch breaks in the library rather than the cafeteria, and talking to your dean about moving to classes that he isn’t in.”

The room falls silent, and Felix notices the ugly colour of the walls, the same as that of the waiting room. He spits into the bin one last time, a single petal dropping heavily from his lips. 

He grits his teeth and glares at the inside of the rubbish bin. It looks as though someone has been cleaning up a crime scene and decided that the trash can was the optimal place for hiding the evidence. 

“Whatever you say, Doc.” Felix says firmly, refusing to meet the man’s eyes.

**Author's Note:**

> [twt](https://twitter.com/thekeehorse)  
> • [cc](https://curiouscat.me/ghoulhwa)  
> 


End file.
